When we are  in relationships we tend to lose who we are, what we believe in, what we like and dislike. Its like we become a person that we no longer recognize! Why is that?  Why do we allow this to happen?

I have been married twice, in my first marriage I was 20 when we said I do.  7 years later, I was in turmoil within myself.  Who was I, how did I get here, why would I let myself get lost.  Now in my 2nd marriage, I went in with my fist up, I told him I will not lose myself. I will always keep what is important to me and prioritize accordingly. 8yrs later, still married, and I am lost again. How did I let this happen a second time? What is wrong with me? How could I let this happen again?

Looking back, sometimes we change who we are to please others, to prevent fights or confrontations, sometimes we change just because we are older and wiser.  Now that I have realized that, I am on the hunt to find ME.  What does that even mean, ME.  I once prioritized getting a college degree.  Four kids later, that priority was changed into making a living for them, then when I was able to stay at home, it was how do I become a better parent for them and how do we make ends meet on a single salary.  I should have made time for school, I should have pushed him more to help while I study, I should have have spoken up.  But the reality of it was that I didn’t.  My youngest is 3.5 now, so I ask myself when she goes to school what do I have?  Now do not get me wrong, I am grateful that i have been able to be at home with my kids, it is by far my greatest accomplishment. I am grateful for my house, my car, the food we have, the clothes we wear, I am grateful that i am able to make lotions and soaps, I am grateful that I was there for all their first, for all their booboos, I am the person they go to when they need anything.  But when they stop needing MOM, what am I, what do I have?

We are in a situation where we need for extra income.  I have been looking for jobs.  The majority of the jobs require a degree, which I do not have. I started working at 15 yrs of age,  I was in retail management for 11yrs.  You would think that my work experience would be taken into consideration, well no, no it is not.  I have applied to many different types of jobs, and I have yet to receive a call back.

I know that my faith is being tested, so I always try to stay positive, and try to follow the road that I on, hoping that I am just blinded by my circumstances and am not able to see the big picture.  But when the I see the balance in the account and see it getting lower and lower, its hard to stay focused, its hard to not question why me why now why.  Or I am actively looking for a job, why am I not able to find something, why?  I know its not my job to ask does questions, but its hard.




Stay at Home Momma




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